I wrote this 1 year ago on January 16, 2010. I saved it in my Drafts the day my grandmother died.

A normal Day in my house begins at 6am. I’d pretend I didn’t hear my alarm clock ring and my Father would come wake me up saying things like, “The morning is the best time to study! Your mind is the most fresh in the morning!” I’d shrug and reply, “yes sir” and proceed to the bathroom. Once I’ve cleaned up, I’d go down stairs accompanied by my dog and Mother who’d pull at my hair and nag me as to why I never combed it.

Today, something went wrong and I knew it before I fell asleep. My heart kept telling me something terrible was about to happen, but i couldn’t read the signs. My heart kept throbbing throughout the night, but I’d place my hand over it, as if I were hushing it. At around 3am I was woken up by a phone call. My father picked it up and I wondered who would call at so early in the morning, but i was dragged back off into my dreams where I could not be harmed.

My alarm clock never rang. I waited and waited, but it never rang. Someone had turned it off. I waited until 7, but my Father never came. I knew something was wrong, but I refused to wake up. You see, things have a way of falling apart while I’m awake. The world seems so much better through closed eyes. Finally, my Father came into my room and asked me to wake up. As I sat up, he said, “Your grandmother passed away earlier today”. I hear him, loud and clear. But I couldn’t comprehend.

“What?”

“I’m sorry, Grandma passed away”

“No, no no”

That’s all I could say, until the warm tears started trickling down my face. We all new she was sick, we all knew she had bone cancer, we all knew that she was going to die someday. But the truth is, no matter how much time you are given, or no matter how much you prepare yourself, it will never be enough. In the end, death is always unexpected. But somewhere inside, I had this hope, that maybe it wouldn’t happen. Maybe if i ignored it long enough, it would just go away. But how easy would life be, if we could all just run from our problems until they got tired and decided not to chase us. I relied on hope too much, and in the end it injured me. It made me fall deeper than I should have.

We all have different ways of dealing with the deaths of our loved ones starting from the moment we receive the news. You may be the child who is eating breakfast and when told of the death, you cry immediately and accept the pain. You may be the child in the next room who overhears the conversation and continues her daily routine until finally reality sets in at the sight of the incident. You may be the child who learns to appreciate the memories and accept the loss, or the child who broods and shuts every helping hand out. You may be too young to ever fully understand or act too wise to ever acknowledge your true emotions. I am the child who will never let go of the pain, and hold her grandmother in her heart forever. But just like these other children, I will make it out and learn to smile again.

It’s hard to see the outside world and accept that time does move on because for us, time stopped yesterday and for a while, the clock will not tick. When people hear of your loss, the say and do comforting things, all the while knowing it will ever be enough. It’s a very kind thing to do, but it hurts when people say those things and later go back to their daily lives. Soon, I will be back to this routine as well, but until then I will be distant. Not because I am angry, or depressed, but just because the circumstances call for it.

I want my grandmother to know that I will never forget about her. She is my namesake and I promise to carry that name with dignity and honor. You were one of the greatest people to ever walk on this earth and I hope you watch me everyday and I hope I make you proud. Just give me some more time, I promise one day I’ll make you proud to be my grandmother

Anonymous asked: someone haha! why dont you update your tumblr?

I dont really like tumblr. I think it’s become a really negative place. I like to actually go out and do things and not come back to my computer and report it to the world. Like I have to have evidence that I did something.

People say they use it to express themselves… but I dont need tumblr to express myself. I do it everyday when I walk and talk and dress and draw and write and dance and sing. But w/e we’re all different

Anonymous asked: i saw this on your fb and came immediatly

LOL who are you?

Anonymous asked: freak

OHSHiii this was a close call

i almost gave a fuck about your thoughts 

Take your time baby

Your blood needs slowin’ down
Breach your soul to reach yourself before you gloom
The reflection of fear makes shadows of nothing
You still are blind if you see a winding road
‘Cos there’s always a straight way to the point you see

What a long day

9-3 Class

3-6 Volunteer work

6-9 Wake Ceremony

The ceremony was so beautifully done. It was heartbreaking to see the grandchildren all speak about the fondest memories of their grandmother. The part that touched me heart the most was when the youngest and closest grandchild to the deceased grandmother Timmy got up to speak. He put the mic up to his lips and said 2 shattered sentences and he couldn’t stop his tears. I can’t help but remember when my grandmother died earlier this year. I never got to say good bye and I never got to go to her funeral. It was like there was never any closure. I wanted to hug him so badly and tell him he was going to be okay and that his grandmother wasn’t gone, she’s simply walking ahead of him in life. Those are all things I wish someone told me when I was going through this. But hearing it from the priests at church was as eye opening as ever.

I’m not a Jesus freak or anything, I even hated God at one point in my life. But I believe in God because he makes me believe there is a greater and more profound purpose in life. My grandmother died believing in God so furiously. And if someone as noble as her can support God for her whole life, then I too believe in his ways. As one of the grandchildren said today, the Lord is our salvation and I hope he and my grandmother are watching over me and the grandmother of the family is also watching over them as well. 

So tired

yesterday night I was feeling so tired from all the long prayers the past few days. I wonder how exhausted the family must feel.

These past days have been so sad

It’s so hard to see others in pain. When I was little I wished I could be the ocean so I could take away everyones tears and go wherever the waves would take me. I want it all the more during times like these.